if doing the right thing is wrong, i dont know what is right.
over the last couple of weeks, i lost a lot of people in my life. 4 to be exact. the one that i love more then anyone in the world and the one that hurt me the most. i feel like i have no one else to talk to anymore and im exploding with pain.
ONE. a person i lost is my grandma. i have lived with her for 17 years, i was on call 24/7 in case anything happen to her. i still remember her telling me the last summer i ever seen her in person that she will wait for me to come home to go get dim sum with her and then i can tell her all about my adventures in Ottawa. if only she waited another month, i would be able to hug her so tight and kiss her telling the first person ever that “i love her”. My grandma’s death has really taught me the true meaning of love. I dont like crying in front of people especially my family and relatives. why you may ask? because i felt like it shows weakness and I have always been known as the tough girl in the family. another thing is no one in my family has ever say the words “i love you”. we are the type to show love through actions but sometimes these actions dont help me realize how its love. during my grandma’s funeral, I decided to let go, because she was the closest person to me and i see her even more then my parents since they work a lot. I cried the most seeing her in the casket asking why she isnt moving anymore asking why she couldnt just be tougher for a month until im back. out of my mouth, i struggled to say “i love you” as i teared up so much I couldn’t breathe. I would never forget the sound I heard when my back was towards the casket as they close her to burry her beside my grandpa. til this day, i hear the sound of my grandma to tell me to stuff like go to sleep. silly enough, i put a candle near my window for her to find me at night to visit me as my angel, watching me, guiding me, protecting me and loving me every step i take. i will never forget everything shes done. sometimes i just wish i had the confident to tell her i love her before she die as no one in the family did so….
TWO. the first guy who said “i love you and i will be here for you no matter what.” he lied to me. someone who i laugh with, someone who i fall asleep on skype with, someone who i talk on the phone with until i fall asleep, someone who i text all the time. it was all a lie. lies covering more lies. why? i dont know. he had a girlfriend the whole time and ignore that fact. i thought i could trust him. i was so faithful to him but always turning down my friends’ invite to go clubbing and partying. i still find it ironic how your grandma died on the same week as mine and we both went home to attend their funeral but that was when i realize that Im not your only one. tbh, i felt really guilty when you said i hate when girls do shit with other guys especially if they are in a relationship. your a hypocrite cause you are one yourself. i miss being able to talk to you and the sound of your voice eases me but i moved on because i learned that maybe i shouldnt be in love because its all a joke to me.
THREE. stupid enough we met here. we became the best of friends until you pulled a move. i admit i was wrong. i should have stopped you, well i did but i dont think that was enough. i should have got up and make up some excuse. you had ur gf, i had my so called bf. you were fully aware but yet you still did what you did. i cant believe your just another one of those lying boys. “if you dont tell, and i dont tell then my gf and he wouldnt know”. should have known better… well, i guess i learn from experience. maybe everything you said to me was all a joke to do what you wanted. fuck you. i cant believe i gave you what i did and i regret that. you made me hate myself yenno that? but i hate the fact that i dont have that best friend to ask for opinions about what we share in common. i just cant take another lying bullshit guy. you make me hate guys more. i thought you were what your gf said, “a simple guy who doesnt want drama” but your not. your gf is also so gulible. she living in a world where she believe everything is so perfect. HES FUCKING LYING TO YOU. WAKE UP. WE HOOKED UP. HE CHEATED ON YOU. just cause your boyfriend went to church doesnt mean shit. just cause he goes to church, does this mean he can go kill someone and its okay cause he goes to church? i cant believe you think cause he goes to church, he loves his mom and you, doesn’t mean he cant go do shit with other girls. your not here thats why. why the fuck would i lie to you? i was in your shoes, i know how it fucking feels and its shit. WAKE THE FUCK UP.
FOUR. you. i thought we were friends. you got me telling the truth about THREE to his gf and then you ditch me? wow just wow. i thought were homies…are you judging me because of my past? thanks.
Life is so hard. Most of the time when I am doing the right thing, I get blamed for doing the wrong thing. I just want to help but I guess helping is not right. I guess being too nice of a person who always saying yes about every time is a bad thing. I think I need to learn to say no and stop being so gullible sometimes I wish I had a reset button. sometimes i wish i can get hit by a car or something so i can forget about my painful memories. i dont want to remember somethings…sometimes i feel like in order to learn to love someone, i need to learn to love myself first. i think im going to try. love myself by forgetting about the past. Let go, Let God right?
